The Sassy Slut’s Guide #1; The Handbag

22 Aug

Ms Dentata’s guide to a good slut-bag.

(How to be prepared for almost any eventuality post-one-nigh-stand)

1. Spacious, multi-function bag: The one I have used in this kit is not ideal. But goddamn it is pretty. I tend towards the satchel-style bag. I find animal print transitions easily between day-glam and night-glam. Satchel strap means you can booty dance with yr bag attached to you, like a geek/hang it over yr shoulder while you drink at the bar. This little touch makes it easier to take the slut-bag everywhere with you.

2. Condoms. Do I even need to explain more? Personally, my faves are Shield XL or regular Durex ones. Make sure you’ve got at least 1 small and 1 large size, these things do happen.

3. Painkillers. In case of blister, hangover, or wrestling bruises.

4. Eye makeup. If you can shmear off last night’s face and re-apply eye makeup, people will often assume you have showered.

5. Toothbrush. Don’t care if it’s weird to steal someone’s toothpaste before and after sex. I like clean teeth, and I feel much more functional with them. This is probably a personal value judgement, but I fully endorse clean teeth as a fresh start to a hungover day.

6.Chocolate. I am also partial to Cookie Time Triple-Choc Cookies as a breakfast treat. Sugar. Yum.

7. Clean Panties. Are nice some mornings.

8. Sunglasses. In case of hangover. Or leaving the bar at 7am to go to someone’s house, and walking out into unexpected harsh glaring daylight, with suits rushing past on their way to work.

9.Drink bottle. For hydration. Trust me.

10. Diary. Many a morning have I woken up at a new friend’s house and referred to my life-planner. It’s invaluable in making sure yr day runs smoothly. Owning a diary helps me be a boss bitch.

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5 Responses to “The Sassy Slut’s Guide #1; The Handbag”

  1. alexandrablue August 22, 2011 at 5:56 am #

    I laughed out loud at number 4 – and I flag the toothbrush in favour of whitening chewing gum. My teeth are screwed anyways.

  2. neon August 22, 2011 at 7:04 am #

    love it. This is a pretty acurate description of my bag.. and its contents.
    Instead of a diary though I carry a cellphone, then txt a flatmate early as and make them check my calander for me. ha.

    But … there are no condoms or underwear in my bag!!!
    Clearly I’m not getting laid enough.
    Any suggestions? ;o)

  3. jaiemem August 22, 2011 at 7:06 am #

    Love it!!! Please write more!

  4. Ms Dentata August 22, 2011 at 9:48 am #

    Also been suggested is bepanthem (cures all!) and a 10 pack of baby wipes- perfect for wiping down armpits/groin/mud-covered faces. Also handy after booze poos!

  5. anarkaytie August 31, 2011 at 3:03 am #

    Oh LOLZ … and apart form the toothbrush, these were all features of my handbag ten years ago.

    Where did that decade go? Vodka, I’m looking especially at you …

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